Resolutions

Resolutions.  NewYear's and new years.


1)  Why don't I just?

I've enjoyed an exceptional year full of love and family and health and happiness.  I've also had stress and craziness.  A lot of self-imposed, or should I say self-allowed, stress.  And in the midst of all this stress, I can call to mind a dozen times I heard something in the last year, a thing about someone else: a friend, a family member, a co-worker, a whomever... and they did something, went somewhere, went out on a limb, leapt off a cliff,  took a plunge of some metaphorical kind.  My first thought each time was annoyance.  Judgment, even.  Oh isn't it just like that person to do that.  Isn't that person lucky they get to do that.  Must be nice.

And then upon examining the terrible knee-jerk reaction of jealousy and judgement, I come to find that old friend and foe to us all: jealousy.  Jealousy leading to, why do they get to...?   But really, why don't I get to?  And then, ultimately, Why don't I just...?  And so my resolution #1 for the year: Why don't I just...?  Instead of being astounded that people could... fix themselves, help themselves, do for themselves, make it happen for themselves.  I resolve that I will stop allowing myself to drown in stress and busy-ness, and do the things for myself that I know I can (and should).  I will not wait to be told.  Or given permission.

Which leads to the next thought.  
2) Things happen for a reason. 

My God they really do.  This year has brought new stress at work.  A whole new ballgame worth of stress to a job that I love.  I've allowed myself to be taken in by it and take it personally.  It is hard for me to separate things I do from who I am. 

I had a co-worker tell me once, "Once I leave the office, I'm gone.  Physically and mentally."  Well that's not me.  I could easily be classified as what they used to call a "company man".  Someone who is thinking about how they could do their job better at all hours of the day.  And, unfortunately, someone who brings any stress right along home with me. 

This year has brought a lot of new challenges, a lot of new obstacles, and little opportunity to overcome them.  Sparse encouragement or acknowledgement.  (except of course from loved ones, who encourage and listen and commiserate and love and love and love - and on whom I often let loose the brunt of my discontent.  and yet they take it.  and keep right on loving me)

And sometimes, I am able to look at it all objectively and understand.  And some days it makes me cry instead.  But, I will take the disappointment and I will move on.  I will do my best and I will try to accept what that looks like.  And it will be enough.

I will not let it break me, instead I will remember that things do happen for a reason.  And sometimes the Universe (God, Vishnu, Chi, Prana, the Force...)  has to whack you over the head a couple times before you get it.  But I'll just keep reminding myself as many times as I need to.

There is a Buddhist mantra that says
"...This is not mine.  I am not this." 
The stress and busy-ness shouldn't define me.  In the times of stress and busy-ness that we all have, I will try not to think thoughts of  "if only... then I could...".  Instead...
This is not mine.  I am not this.
I will acknowledge that I am not alone in this.   I will, as ever, do my best.  I will accept the best of others. And it will be enough.