Resolutions

Resolutions.  NewYear's and new years.


1)  Why don't I just?

I've enjoyed an exceptional year full of love and family and health and happiness.  I've also had stress and craziness.  A lot of self-imposed, or should I say self-allowed, stress.  And in the midst of all this stress, I can call to mind a dozen times I heard something in the last year, a thing about someone else: a friend, a family member, a co-worker, a whomever... and they did something, went somewhere, went out on a limb, leapt off a cliff,  took a plunge of some metaphorical kind.  My first thought each time was annoyance.  Judgment, even.  Oh isn't it just like that person to do that.  Isn't that person lucky they get to do that.  Must be nice.

And then upon examining the terrible knee-jerk reaction of jealousy and judgement, I come to find that old friend and foe to us all: jealousy.  Jealousy leading to, why do they get to...?   But really, why don't I get to?  And then, ultimately, Why don't I just...?  And so my resolution #1 for the year: Why don't I just...?  Instead of being astounded that people could... fix themselves, help themselves, do for themselves, make it happen for themselves.  I resolve that I will stop allowing myself to drown in stress and busy-ness, and do the things for myself that I know I can (and should).  I will not wait to be told.  Or given permission.

Which leads to the next thought.  
2) Things happen for a reason. 

My God they really do.  This year has brought new stress at work.  A whole new ballgame worth of stress to a job that I love.  I've allowed myself to be taken in by it and take it personally.  It is hard for me to separate things I do from who I am. 

I had a co-worker tell me once, "Once I leave the office, I'm gone.  Physically and mentally."  Well that's not me.  I could easily be classified as what they used to call a "company man".  Someone who is thinking about how they could do their job better at all hours of the day.  And, unfortunately, someone who brings any stress right along home with me. 

This year has brought a lot of new challenges, a lot of new obstacles, and little opportunity to overcome them.  Sparse encouragement or acknowledgement.  (except of course from loved ones, who encourage and listen and commiserate and love and love and love - and on whom I often let loose the brunt of my discontent.  and yet they take it.  and keep right on loving me)

And sometimes, I am able to look at it all objectively and understand.  And some days it makes me cry instead.  But, I will take the disappointment and I will move on.  I will do my best and I will try to accept what that looks like.  And it will be enough.

I will not let it break me, instead I will remember that things do happen for a reason.  And sometimes the Universe (God, Vishnu, Chi, Prana, the Force...)  has to whack you over the head a couple times before you get it.  But I'll just keep reminding myself as many times as I need to.

There is a Buddhist mantra that says
"...This is not mine.  I am not this." 
The stress and busy-ness shouldn't define me.  In the times of stress and busy-ness that we all have, I will try not to think thoughts of  "if only... then I could...".  Instead...
This is not mine.  I am not this.
I will acknowledge that I am not alone in this.   I will, as ever, do my best.  I will accept the best of others. And it will be enough.

...aaaaand we're back

so yes, it's been almost 2 years since I started, and subsequently stopped running.  If you think I've just been running just as fast as my little legs could carry me lo on these 2 years, well I refer you back to the name of this blog.

Luckily, although I haven't been running, or really doing any physical activity at all, I've been trying to still eat (mostly) healthfully.  I haven't (really) been drinking pop, I mostly (occasionally) avoid sugar and sweets and I always (when I feel like it) eat good healthy food.

So my last go around as I cut out all the really bad stuff I was doing I lost around 20-25 pounds.  Of course I have gained some of that back by doing my impersonation of a sloth for the last year.  But I've had a little tickle in the back of my brain to start running again.  Mostly an annoying little itch that says get back out there.  Yes it's true that I pulled a hip muscle and that kind of put me out of commission and then while down I succeeded in mentally conditioning myself (again) that I hated running and couldn't do it. 

So the other day I scoured KSL (Craig's List for you out of towners) looking for a cheap treadmill.  This winter Cody finished his hobby room in the basement and I've been thinking I'd like to make a work out room down there as well.  Just etch out a corner and make it my own power-building, endurance-enhancing nirvana.  So I found a really cheap treadmill for sale on base and I asked the guy if he would take half for it (it had been listed for almost a month) and he said sure.  So yay, now i have a treadmill.  (My theory on my hip is that maybe I pulled a muscle due in part to general flabbiness and the other part being the roads here all all slopey slanty so your feet are never hitting the same level. That's my theory, anyway  Oh, and PS we have the worst air in the country right now so running outside seems a little counter-intuitive. We're number 1!  We're number 1!)

And here's the best part - I've actually used it!  I used it everyday for the first week I had it.  This week I've only been on it twice.  Every day this week I've had something going on and no time to fit it in.  If that sounds like an excuse, it is.  But it's ok to own up to my excuses because today I wanted to make one, but instead I just dragged my butt down there and did it.

My Wig Story...

Here is a post I wrote on Thanksgiving. And here it is on New Year's and I'm about to hit the publish button.

 Tonight at Thanksgiving dinner I had more than one relative not recognize me at first glance since I was wearing a wig (which is hilarious), so I thought now’s as good a time as any to do a wig post.  I am usually an over-sharer.  Maybe an over-detailer is more accurate.  I have a hard time recounting stories in an anecdotal way without providing a lot of details so this may be a long post.  You may want to carve out some time.

So hey everybody, I wear a wig.  Like whenever I leave the house.  I wear it to work. I wear it to grocery shop.  And I freaking love it.

Here’s why I wear a wig.  As you know, I started getting healthier earlier this year.  As I got healthier, I wanted to try to let my body heal itself.  I wanted to try to get better at taking vitamins (still working on that) and stop taking any superfluous medications I didn’t really need.  

My doctor had me on this hormone medication called spironolactone.  Which is good for your skin and hair, etc.  It’s found in a lot of birth control pills, but I was taking it on its own for the skin and hair benefits.  Well, you’re not supposed to take it long term.  Like no longer than 6 months.  I found that gem of information on the internet after I had been on it for about 6 years.  Thanks doc!  So I asked her about getting off of it.  She said, sure that’s cool, whatever.   So I did, and I had no problems. 

Fast forward to a couple months later.  I’m noticing a lot more hair is coming out every time I wash my hair.  Didn’t think much of it.  Didn’t connect any dots there.  Had Sariah cut my hair and her instructor said I had a lot of breakage/damage and she needed to cut it shorter, which was super cute but why all the breakage I wondered?  Then I went several months without getting my hair done (not unusual for me).  Somehow my hair was driving me nuts.  Feeling very unhappy with it figuring it needed to be cut/colored something. One day in a fit of PMS I decided to put in some demi-permanent color I had lying around and accidentally turned it red.  That was a whole other headache but in hindsight I now know I was feeling so disgusted with my hair because it was getting thinner and thinner without me realizing what was happening.  Until on a few occasions looking at recent pictures of myself I could tell I had way less hair than I did before.  The darker hair just accentuated that.  And I was very unhappy and self-conscious about it.  But what could I do?

   

I think wearing a wig has some sort of awkward stigma attached to it, to me it’s always seemed a rather desperate solution to an extreme situation. Like having chemo and having no hair.  That stigma attached to wig wearing makes it feel like that is the only acceptable situation in which to wear a wig.   In the last few months I had been so disgusted with my hair that I threatened to buy a wig several times.  Like that was a big bad scary threat!  Then one day as I lamented again to my husband about my hair and threatened to shave my head and buy a wig for the umpteenth time, my ever level-headed husband calmly said, “honey don’t shave your head… but if you want to buy a wig, then go buy a wig.”  Wow… wait, I can do that? 

So right about this time, I got an interview for a job. The whole wig idea was brand new and now I felt under the gun.  Do I hurry and get a wig for my interview in 2 days?  If I was going to get a wig I better do it now.  Start as you mean to go on, right?  I wouldn’t want to start a job, then show up my 2^nd week wearing a wig would I?  But it was Saturday night and nobody’s open on Sunday.  So for my interview I didn’t have a wig.  I got the job.  And yes I was nervous about starting a new job for the first time in over a decade, but the level of anxiety about wearing a wig my first day was through the roof. 

I stressed the whole weekend until I finally emailed my new boss to say something like, “Dear new boss, so… I don’t want to be that weirdo who shows up for her first day of work in a wig, but… I’m totally going to be that weirdo.”  And she was totally cool about it and emailed me right back to say she understands medical issues and she had ovarian cancer over the summer so don’t even worry about it.  Which was all I needed to feel better about that!

Now that you’ve heard the story, let me share a few of the reasons why I love wearing a wig.

• ·         No more hair envy.  Seriously it’s a thing for those of us with thin hair.
• ·         Improved self-confidence.  You don’t realize what a big impact hair has on your confidence until you don’t have it (or until you do).
• ·         You can take time to style/braid your hair, and leave it in the closet overnight and put it on in the morning. And not have to worry about messing your hair up by sleeping on it
• ·         …or not take time to style it.  I mean it’s pre-styled so you don’t have to do much if you don’t want to
• ·         You can take it off to braid it in super cute styles (much harder to braid on your own head upside down and backwards!)
• ·         You can sleep in in the morning since you don’t have to wake up earlier to wash/dry/style your hair
• ·         Same thread, you can be ready to run out the door in the time it takes you to throw on some mascara and a wig.  Oh, and pants.  Pants too.
• ·         I’ve never been a big fan of my own hair.  It’s always been super fine and thin.  It hasn’t been long since 8^th grade and if I ever tried to grow it longish it just ends up looking scraggly and stringy and sad. My wig hair is long and thick and luxurious.  I would NEVER be able to grow hair like that.
• ·         Compliments from strangers.  Regarding style, color, etc.  I get them a lot.  Hair compliments are not a thing I’m used to.
• ·         More colors.  I am blonde.  Maybe it’s a case of the grass being greener but I’ve always wished I wasn’t a blond.  Being a freakishly pale person, I feel like blonde hair kind of washes me out even more.  If you have dark hair you can easily go blonde.  And even when it grows out the roots are cool.  And definitely acceptable.  But blonde roots are a different story.  You don’t look like your roots are growing out.  You look like you have a long bald spot on your head running the whole length of your part.  It’s not a good look.  So if I wanted to go darker, I would need near-constant touch ups to cover the roots.  If you’ve ever been my hairdresser (which several of you have) you know I am not that great at being a regular client to have my hair done.  Which leads me to…
• ·         Your style doesn’t grow out.  You know when you get an awesome haircut/color, and a week or two later it starts to go downhill because your hair is always growing?  Not a problem with a wig.
• ·         You can change your style as easily as switching out your wig.  Want to have long hair? Done.  Want to go short next week? Ok.  Wait, want to be long again?  Yep. 

There are way more good things I’m forgetting.  Like it’s basically awesome.

But before you think it’s all butterflies and tulip petals and all go run out to buy your own wig, I will tell you some of the negatives in the interest of full disclosure.  

The only weird-bad thing about wearing a wig is worrying what other people will think.  That is lame, but really, if I had such a negative stigma in my own head about it, I could only imagine what others who don't know my story would think.  And it shouldn’t matter but it does.  It was more the benign judgement that all people are capable of.  It was the subtle disapproval.  The realization of the wig stigma that we all have.  But I’m over it. So if you subtly disapprove of me, well I don’t much care.  However, I don’t like to make people feel uncomfortable.  At all.  It stresses me out.  

I’ve had a few awkward moments.  I’ve tried to let facebook do most of the work for me.  I’ve been open there about wearing a wig.  But what about those people you haven’t seen in a while and aren’t friends with on facebook?  For example, we switched schools this year and I now work at our new school.  I had a training one day at a company that is over all the local charter schools in the area.  And guess who was there?  Both the office ladies from the old school.  I was not mentally prepared for that.  So that got to me and messed with my head pretty bad.  Where I should’ve felt awesome cuz hey look, I lost 25 pounds since you last saw me, I was only thinking about, hey look I’m wearing a wig now.  Awkward.

It’s the look that flashes across people’s faces of, there is something majorly different about you and I don’t feel comfortable asking about it.  That’s the situation I haven’t mastered yet.  As I see it, here are my options: 

 1) say “hey you! How’s it going!? I’m wearing a wig!” 

 2) say “hey you!  How’s it going?” <Register their look of confusion and split second hesitation> and… wait for them to ask.  

 Which is right?  I don’t know.  It seems weird to go up to someone and say “how are you? I’m wearing a wig!”  But a lot of people would feel awkward asking about it if they haven’t seen you in a while and they are just a casual acquaintance.  I know I would.  Bless those people who are the type of people who can say, hey are you wearing a wig?  I’ve had one. ONE person do that.  And I wanted to hug her.

**********************************************************

Present Day: I’m now left trying to figure out how to end this post!

All in all I would say the positives far, far outweigh any negatives.  If people feel awkward, well they are just going to have to either ask me about it, or get over it.  Life is too short, people!

And I tell you if I had known how much fun wearing a wig could be, I would have started a long time ago.  For those of you with gorgeous hair, I hope you know how lucky you are!  And for those of you with hair that you wish was something else (thicker, curlier, longer, blonder, whatever!)  you might try a trip to the wig store.  It’s fun just to try a bunch on and see them.  Take pictures!  I will leave you with some of the pictures I have taken over the past few months.

what people at work think i look like

fun at the wig store!

Storm from the X-Men wig

it's easier to do fun braids when you can take your hair off

my family is awesome

now I can wear darker lipstick?  wigs are fun!

Bike Ride to Antelope Island

I am not a person who wakes up early to exercise.  My sleep is far too precious to me.  However, one Sunday morning, I woke up at 6:30.  I tried feebly to go back to sleep but could not.  So I got up, left a note for Cody & the kids, loaded up my bike and drove out to Antelope Island.

I rode the causeway out to the Island and back.  Here's a lone coyote I saw on the way out.  I was a little excited to take his picture I guess because I nearly wrecked trying to get it.  I had my phone in my right hand so I had to brake with my left (front brakes) and I hit it a bit too hard.  I'm not sure how I stayed standing but my bike flipped over and ended up on the ground.  With me standing over it.  Luckily (or unluckily) there were no witnesses to my death-defying super-hero skills of staying upright.  But I got the damn picture.  

 Deserted causeway

 Beautiful morning for a bike ride!

 Does anyone look good in a bike helmet?  I'm sure there are people who do.  I am not one of them.

 Once I rode the 7 miles to the island, I came across this sign.   I nearly upended myself again when I saw this spider.  Dangling right down the middle of the Ladyfinger Point sign.  Had to stop to get a picture.  I parked my bike off to the side near a bush and got it. 

I went to retrieve my bike and saw more spiders.  Then, like some sort of horror movie... everywhere I looked... SPIDERS!  I know where there is water, there are spiders.  They are always plentiful around lakes and rivers.  But Oh My Hell there were a lot of spiders.

 Can you see them?  They are there.  Lurking...

Every bush was covered.  And I'm talking BIG spiders.  It looked like Spider-Man himself came and just sprayed webs all over the damn place.

And they were perfectly happy to all live together.  Apparently there are enough bugs to go around.  Look at this web with like 15 GIANT spiders just hanging out.  This was everywhere.  I tried to go up onto the island a bit but I chickened out.  As i rode along and the bushes were all just glistening with webs and through the glint of sunlight up the hill, I could see glistening web just floating across the road.  No thank you.  Not wanting to end up covered in SPIDERS THE SIZE OF MY HAND.

So, 17 miles that day.  It is a beautiful bike ride out the causeway and back.  But i still get the heebie-jeebies thinking about it!

Progress

When am I gonna feel better, oh i have been patient for a long time now.  I've been impatient for a long time now.  I've been the patient for a long time now… and I will never be a younger man.

Oh what am I waiting for? A spell to be cast or for it to be broken?

-Typhoon

Why is blogging so hard for me to do?  You see, I've had ideas in my head for blog posts.  I've even typed a few out.  But i don't post them.  I think, maybe I'll wait until I have more content.  More to say.  And by then the posts I made seem irrelevant.  So, sorry for the lack of updates.  

Here's a post I never published:

I've been trying to figure out why.  Why now, am I ready?  Why have I never been able to do this before?  One day in February, I decided it's time. Time for change. I've been thinking about my reasons. I can't pin it down to just one that brought this about. That suddenly it seemed reachable, doable.  

I have a friend who lost quite a bit of weight and when asked why, she said, "I was turning 40 and I decided I didn't want to be this way when that happened."  That's been rolling around my head like a little marble ever since.

Also my sister in law moved to Hawaii.  I've never been too interested in going to Hawaii. I'm more of a rainy, cold place with castles girl. But the last few years I've been thinking I'd probably like to go to Hawaii. But if I booked a trip I'd wish to lose some pound before going there. I'd wish to feel ok about being in a bathing suit before going there. The last time I felt good about being in a bathing suit I was probably 6.  Isn't it terrible to limit yourself based on your body image though! Welcome to being a girl i guess.

Also my stomach never felt good. I always felt bloated and uncomfortable. I always grew a "food baby" after I ate. Those are a few reasons I can think of.

So I started running. And i started eating better. I stopped drinking pepsi. I cut way down on sugar and gluten and dairy. I no longer have a food baby! My stomach is much happier. 

Weight loss has been interesting.  For a while, my clothes fit better although my measurements stayed the same.  Weight loss for me means I have to tighten the drawstring in my sweatpants. (You know you've lost weight when you're carrying a laundry basket up the stairs and your pants fall down half way up.)

I lost 15 pounds over 3 months.  That felt agonizingly slow but hopefully that will mean i can keep it off for good. I'm ok with that.  Then June & July have slowly given way to another 5 pounds.  So I've lost nearly 20 pounds total.  That feels great.  I have these milestones in my head and apparently they translate physically through my body because once i reach one (5 pounds, 10 pounds, 15 pounds) i stay there for a while. I stayed at 15 pounds the entire month of June. Sometimes I get frustrated with the slowness of the process, but then I realize this isn't a race and I'm not in it for the numbers anyway.  I'm in it for how I feel, and I feel great.

I never (EVER) thought I'd say it but changing the way i eat has been way easier and more automatic than changing how i exercise. I hope one day that will become automatic too.  But apparently I am way better at NOT doing things than I am at doing things.

Started with running, but please reference the blog's name regarding "if you see me running..."  Running is hard.  I haven't kept up with it.  But that's not to say I've done nothing!   I've yet to find a regular routine, I'm working on it.

In June i rode my bike a lot. My friend Heidi, who has MS and who is awesome, was participating in the bike MS ride (40 miles) and she asked me to go on a bike ride with her one day to help her train. I thought i can probably do that since I've been running and built up some lung strength. So we rode 18 miles one day. Wow that kicked my butt. But the next time we rode 26 miles.  And I woke up early one day and rode my bike out to Antelope Island (post hopefully to follow on that one).

The week my kids had rock climbing camp we rode our bikes through Ogden for 4 hours a couple days and I took a yoga class. The 2 weeks the kids were in swimming lessons, I used the weight room every day.  That was awesome.  There's just something about a weight room that makes you feel like a badass.  When you walk over to that bar and free weights and start doing squats and bicep curls...  I think that might be my favorite.  I gained a couple pounds that week but I couldn't be happier about it because it was pure muscle.  Bad.  Ass.

It's easier to be lazy when we're all home doing nothing.  It's odd how exercise makes you just feel so much better but i still have to talk myself into it. 

Did i tell you how cool it was to try on those jeans that have been hanging in my closet since before i had kids 10 years ago? I had 3 or 4 pairs of pants tucked way in the back and i can get them on now. And even zip them up! A couple of pairs i can let go of now because i got them on and they're terribly out of fashion. But i will happily let them go. I haven't bought too many new clothes yet. I'm waiting until i get where i want to be. But i bought a bathing suit gasp! And you know what, happiness is trying on a bathing suit and thinking, that's not half bad!

This is me before

This is me before.  And this is me… before.  I’m still before. I’m not after yet.  I’ve got no amazing transformation pictures to show you of myself in a bikini or standing in a pair of pants that could now fit two of me.  This isn’t that kind of blog (but maybe someday…).  Here I am trying to figure out what the heck started this and where it will lead.  And maybe a month from now I’ll be back to twinkies and pepsi, but… maybe not.

I know people who have lost weight.  Even a transformative amount.  You always want to ask them “how did you do it… why did you start...which infomercial or piece of exercise equipment finally did it for you?  What’s the magic pill, the secret to sticking with it, the answer?"  And I’d always be disappointed, as I would be if I asked myself why I am now 2 months in to doing something I could never last more than a week doing before.  Why did I start?  Why have I not given up yet?

I’m quite new to this whole “being healthy” thing, so anyone who’s got this healthy lifestyle thing down pat who wants to leave tips in the comments, go for it.  Here’s what I’ve been doing, and mostly succeeding at.  I started running (trying to) 2 months ago.  A little after that I started to eat a little better.  Drink a little more water.  All for the sake of making it to the end of the block.  I started using an app to track my calories.  This was annoying at first because I’ve been on a diet once in my life.  For about a week.  I like food, and especially junk food.  I like pepsi and carbs and sugar.  Anytime I thought about depriving myself of those things it would make me angry and hostile.  Why should I?  For my health you say?  Pshaw.  I’ve got good genes, my grandma lived to 98 and where do you think I got my sweet tooth from?

Also, other than while pregnant, I’ve weighed the same weight my entire adult life.  Granted the weight has moved to different places on my body in the last 20 years but the number is the same.  It's a really weird phenomenon.  I could do yoga every day for a year and it wouldn’t change.  I could join a gym and do an hour of aerobics and another of weightlifting daily for months, didn’t matter.  That one week diet which was super restrictive and hard to follow and made me feel like crap?  Weight didn’t budge.  Eat whatever I want?  Still there.  So why should I?  Why should I count calories, eat healthier, cut out pepsi?  None of it would matter.  Wah wah wah. 

So counting calories for me had much the same effect that first week of running did.  I kind of gave up and rebelled for a few days.  Then I felt like crap and my stomach felt horrendous.  All bloated out to looking like I was 8 months preggers and if I had to wear jeans feeling like I was being strangled at the waist.  But that was totally normal for me.  So I got a few books at the library and thought maybe I’ll try going gluten free for a few days to see if that helps.  That seemed like a daunting task but with all the gluten free stuff available nowadays it wasn’t actually hard at all.  

Pretty soon I’m mostly avoiding gluten and just eating healthier.  And it’s crazy but it’s not that hard.  It's all in the timing because a year ago, or 10 years ago, it would have been very hard.  You can totally know what's right without doing it.  I'm not trying to say it's easy.  It's just the right time for me all of a sudden.  I feel like I can, rather than feeling like I should.  I’m drinking water instead of pepsi and I’m not even pissed about it.  Super Crazy.  It’s me working backwards.  It’s not I need to lose weight to fit into this swimsuit.  It’s me wanting to feel better and go farther so what can I do for my body to get it there?  Seems pretty simple when I think about it now.

Hey and you know what?  That stubborn number on the scale which has led me to believe I’ve owned faulty scales my whole life?  It’s dropping.  A little at a time, but there it goes.  What do you know?  So a healthy diet and exercise really are the way to do it?  Huh.

Do I have an end date in mind?  Am I thinking, oh thank God I only have to be on this diet until…?  Nope I’m not.  And that’s why I have the audacity to be writing this blog.  Because I feel like maybe I’ve finally figured something out that lots of people already know.  And I’m pretty happy about it. 

I used to think of how hard it would be to deprive myself of pepsi (5 days no pepsi over here), carbs and sugar.  But it’s really hard to describe why it’s not hard right now.  Diet calls to mind passing things up that you really want and always feeling hungry.  I’m not on a diet.  I’m just being healthier.  And it’s going good.

Almost 2 weeks ago, I increased my jogging mileage a little too quickly, or maybe I wasn’t warmed up enough, or maybe the running shoes I’ve had for 5 years but never used for running were old and worn out, but I pulled a muscle in my hip.  I was limping around for a couple days.  It got better pretty quickly but I didn’t go running for almost 2 weeks because I could still feel it and didn’t want to further injure myself.  And you know what?  I couldn’t wait to go out running again.  That’s how I have the audacity to write this blog.  Because running is super hard.  And I am terrible at it, but I am doing it.  And when I can’t, I want to be.  And when I do, I am awesome.

So this is me before. And during.  And I don't really want there to be an after.  Because that implies an end.  And I'm just getting started.